About Prem Kamal...............

HOW IT ALL HAPPENED ....

Last week of July,2004, Chennai airport,tired and exhausted i boarded the bus to take me to the plane...........totally lost in my thoughts,i was standing inside wondering what was i doing there.Had everything in my life at that point of time..all that i ever thought of...desired for..just perfect life...still something was missing.... life as such was not making any sense....what next...is this it.....these thoughts kept cropping all the time.

Was lost in such thoughts when a close friend of many years just appeared in front of me from nowhere......we boarded the flight and there was this mention of a meditation center in Delhi.Never knew what meditation was,what it was all about...
but a week later ended up there,strangely i was there on the wrong day, it was closed as there was no meditation camp on that day.

It was to be after 7 days..........somehow lost the interest in going there again,but on the d day took my bag,some money and without thinking much just jumped in the car and reached the place..........totally unaware of what was to come......bought the dress ....entered the hall..and just started doing what everybody was doing.........had no choice.......somehow it was dancing dancing and dancing all through the day.Felt very nice and went totally crazy just dancing so much......had the first taste of "LET GO"........

Evening , i was in the hall, sitting and suddenly the words of Osho exploded in my ears

"I WELCOME YOU THE WAY YOU ARE..."......tears started rolling down,slowly ,then heavily and  then it was as if raining for the next three days............had never cried in almost 17 years.........and next three days,i was dancing and crying and it kept on getting intense.........third day, i ended up taking Sannyas without even knowing what it was ................i was almost in trance ...........crying ,dancing, sleeping and the process continued ......in 3 days the body was absolutely tired  doing all those active meditation techniques but something  inside got cleansed and washed.........so much burden went away......something had hit me, "THE BOLT FROM THE BLUE"..............but what it was, i couldn't understand................

6th Aug 2004,that's how it started......that's when it started.....a new identity came...."Prem Kamal happened...."....

 

 

 

The next whole year was just crazy................did every thing totally ,absolutely like mad............and mad i was becoming and i was loving it. Was just fanatic about meditation and deep down a decision got made... that come what may , i will listen and apply what Osho said.....come what may and it was come what may.In 1 year there was so much in me that changed, never felt so happy  though i had turned a pauper , lost interest in achieving anything , lost interest in trying to make anybody happy ,got ridiculed..............but there was some deep contentment and peace inside.......though everything on the periphery was going wrong,deep inside it felt as if for the first time things were going right.The more i got silent ...the more i felt the pangs of anxiety...and the more i felt anxiety , deeper the silence went.......it was just contradictory....."the seed of watching" got sowed ...there were moments of gross fear...fear of failure in life if i continued meditating...fear of being left out....but still i stuck and applied whatever i heard from Osho....with every passing moment "the watcher kept growing" or it kept coming from underneath the layers of thoughts and emotions.......still something was missing........

The first year was just about following and doing all the meditation techniques that i came across......aaaaaaand came the second year.......everything became topsy turvy...perhaps it was the time to apply what i had been hearing all the while from the master.It was no more just about doing the meditations only........but the application of his words in real day today life .All the words... words like surrender,dropping the conflicts, dropping the idea to control anything..........trust and all those  discourses that i heard in 1 year, existence just threw all the situations where either i could become a hypocrite out of fear or i could follow the master to the tee.....some how kept following ......no matter what the price, be it money, be it relationships ,be it family or be it my life..........i was just willing to go all the way..............

In the time frame of next 1 year i had become totally weak,  heart broken ,directionless and almost looked like a neurotic,where i was heading i had no idea,what was right what was wrong ,what to do what not to do....i had no clue and my mind was not even willing to work on these aspects.....there was no energy left......i felt i was on the verge of death.On my so called 35th birthday,i had a feeling that i wont be able to survive........it was extreme pain...that day,lost the desire to live...lost the desire to die...........lost the desire even to think or even to not think , lost the desire to understand and lost the desire to be understood..............that day somehow passed..............how it passed,i don't know.I had no hope of making through it...........



Coming few days something changed in me drastically......it seemed with no desire left for anything the whole load that i carried inside just fell of the cliff .........thoughts had almost disappeared.....all the time there was this feeling of absolute lightness.......there was deep silence  which looked like sadness and almost no thoughts...it was very fulfilling....those moments...very delicate,very tender......started meditating again,in the house ,all alone, from morning to evening............as days passed meditating , the silence which looked like sadness begun to change into joy ......into bliss..........for no reason.......there was this state of extreme sensitivity where no sound would miss my ears....where i became sensitive to everything around me...and where nothing caused any movement inside..words had become almost redundant...........

 

Then 1 day came the news of some 40 days camp being held somewhere..........had no money to go there but there was this strong urge to go.....it was as if this was going to be my last camp and strangely i wrote this to a friend...somehow money came and i was all ready to go...the thought of 40 days ,all by myself, in silence,meditating...... was somehow very tempting ,almost irresistible....and landed up in Baindoor.........11th Dec 2006...............

The person who was to conduct the camp was "Swami Chaitanya Bharti"...lovingly addressed as "Gurudev" at that point of time.Somehow was not interested in him....had seen lots of camp leaders and had realized that they didn't have much to offer except playing Osho discourses and repeating his words ,though they were nice people.So didn't read anything about him , didn't even try to put any effort as to what he was all about...just the idea of 40 days in silence being alone was good enough for me to be there.

FOURTH DAY OF THE CAMP..........SESSION AFTER BREAKFAST...

"All these techniques will not do much........there is only one answer to everything in this world....WHO AM I......and that is why we meditate".....he went on speaking so many things...things, which were more than enough to trigger something in me, things that i never heard of , things that nobody ever spoke about....though i had met almost all the camp leaders of those days

Listening to his words...suddenly a shiver went in my body..... there was something about this man sitting on that chair,what it was... i had no clue......there was some honesty  in his words, some authenticity,something different........that was my gut feeling and i was absolutely prepared to be disappointed.....somehow i had seen a lot of camp leaders who sounded "enlightened"....almost everybody does sound enlightened once they start sitting on the chair and a few people start touching their feet.....unknowingly they start proposing what they themselves are not aware of...

A few days went by.....there was almost no thinking........just the flow of life ....a kind of laziness and a stillness......and almost no conflicts...almost......

LAST DAY BEFORE SILENCE.........

"There is one door to enter the truth.....you come from any direction,this way or that way..this is the door u have to enter if you really want to experience the truth....if u really want to be the truth....you come today tomorrow or in next life........this door u will have to enter....".........hearing these words i was absolutely alert.What is he saying,how does he know,does he know and why nobody seems to be listening to him.....he is just giving the key to everything and none seemed interested..........

Next day the period of 21 days of silence started.........and just from the evening before , i had begun to go absolutely crazy, was applying totally,single mindedly to what he had said....the door....and how to enter it.........it was so frustrating that it cannot be described in words......it was as if there were mountainous waves of uneasiness which erupted from everywhere........it was painful.....kept coming back again to what he said....again started crying,........the mind seemed to have gone just berserk......."come back to this moment......again n again"....his words kept echoing..........the next 3 - 5 days were so turbulent,insanity was getting better of me...........it seemed as if it was the turbulence of many lives,almost unending....it just drove me crazy....it was impossible to follow what Gurudev  proposed...but somehow......chose to follow exactly what he said..... 

It just cannot be told as to how difficult it was to bring to action to what Gurudev had suggested.Such a simple thing "be passive and keep coming back to this moment"

On the 5th day reality began to dawn upon ........"the leela' that's going on.....and how the constant flow of thoughts and the subsequent emotions just keep on fooling us......clarity had begun to come...absolute clarity...and  "THE SHOCK OF PRESENCE OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE BODY ,THE NON BODY, THE ONE".........the one everywhere, was too much to take.........the lies started falling down,the illusions were beginning to shatter,illusions of "I and My"......the illusions of being a "DOER" .....just to know in those  moments  as to how i was sleeping,how everyone was sleeping was kind of devastating .....and the shock of looking at this man called "Gurudev" ...he was the Osho in body.....and nobody seemed to realize that....he was there ,all the time.

And there were non stop tears just flowing ...it was sheer gratitude...sheer thankfulness.....and the bigger shock was, why all this was happening to me...of all the people to me.......the quantum of tears that fell was immeasurable and they just kept on flowing continuously like a stream...a deep cleansing was happening ....everything was changing so rapidly around, and still everything remained the same.....it was so simple to see everything as one...the presence of one in everything....it was inexplicable...at times there was this phobia of falling into an unending abyss......what to say , how to say...impossible it became to express....inside was shaking,at times felt very scared   but  somehow whenever there were these moments of  intense fear and shock....Gurudev's words were more than enough to guide,they just kept coming at the right time, exactly at the right time.Slowly I had become capable of reading "the book of no words"  and it was impossible to go back ....the lane that i had entered was just "one way"......

40 days just went away........i was changed .....there seemingly was no search left.......still there was something i was constantly trying to understand.....now the focus had shifted from this "I" to the "One".....whats this "one".....i had fallen into another trap of ego...the last trap.........

The time had come to leave the shores of Baindoor...went to meet Gurudev......and heard the glorious words from him which saved me from killing myself.....the magnanimity of lies surrounding us was just too much to digest ...and he said " Kamal ji.....just go on dropping whatever u know...you are other than what you know....i have nothing more to say...from here its your destiny"....with love and gratitude touched his feet and the journey back to my place started.

 

18th April 2007...

It was almost 3 months that i had been back from Baindoor......that evening while coming back from some work  in Delhi i was sitting at a metro station....it was almost 5 in the evening and somehow not many people on the station.I saw the train coming towards me......and then i saw it getting stopped....my eyes were looking at the wires above and then at the wheels of the train and at all the complex parts and mechanisms in it.......suddenly i started laughing........the mind went blank.....the  train started to leave the station ,i was laughing and was looking at it leaving ....and it just took away the last bit of illusion that was left in the  so called "me"....and the question about "the one".....the one who wanted to know and "the one" who was knowing  disappeared.......

"there was no doer.....things are just happening"  came the realization.......the last conflict disappeared.....surrender happened.....the whole energy of the one who was searching fell down,there were no thoughts,not even "who am i"...and there was just knowing but nobody to know...........the idea called "I" disappeared ...what an idea this "i" is......the dream got shattered in absolute terms ...the last words of Gurudev before i left Baindoor echoed inside.......so perfectly said...absolutely perfect.

And standing at the station i remembered what Osho once said  "WITHOUT A LIVING MASTER IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE THE LAST STEP......THERE IS EVERY POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WILL GO CRAZY OR AGAIN FALL BACK".............THERE WAS LAUGHTER AND THERE WERE TEARS, ALL TOGETHER.......AND THERE WAS GRATITUDE,SHEER GRATITUDE WHICH CANNOT BE EXPRESSED IN WORDS...........MY STORY HAD FINISHED......."I" WAS FINISHED..THE SEARCH WAS OVER...THE ONE WHO WAS SEARCHING WENT AWAY FOREVER.."who am i" was irrelevant...."who is the one" didn't matter ....

And that day Osho took away his mala back ,it was not needed anymore....I was wondering at the patience and effort of this man called "Osho"...the master.....what he did..all the effort that he put all these years.....with patience ..with perseverance....and for what, "for this".........just to make 1 understand such a simple thing...such a small thing......all the stories he told,all the discourses he gave,all the techniques he created ...just to make one reach here....to make us watch a basic fact of life and understand .I kept on laughing at the "cosmic joke" that he talked about and i cried again n again just thanking him for what he made of me....for killing me to save me...and i could see so clearly ,Osho and Gurudev laughing together at me... i bowed down again in that moment of bliss....

No matter what,it is impossible to repay the huge debt of gratitude that i owe to them...or should i say "that i owe to him" as both are one.....two is not possible...it is simply not possible.......

It was almost 2 and a half years when it all began....time just flew away...

And all that i went through....what a dream....just unbelievable....

My journey "FROM IGNORANCE TO MYSTERY"  ended..........

And something new began, a journey to  "MYSTERY AND BEYOND.....".....

                                                         PRANAAM 

  "RASO VAI-SAH"...."OSHO RASO VAI-SAH"..........how it came.........

June 2007,.......Nainital.......

Since 18th April 2007.......... life had become a bliss, very simple ,very beautiful...........and for no reason.......everything just became perfect the way it was......

That day it was  raining since morning.....sitting in the verandah of the hotel.....clouds floating in the air....and bursting of showers every now and then..it was just heavenly.

There was this book of Osho which was  placed on the same bench that i was sitting on.......

Very casually i just opened it from where ever it got bisected ..........
The lines that appeared on that page read something like this........."the day your eyes open ....the day you are able to see what i am pointing at...the day your illusion breaks...you will feel very grateful and indebted towards me....you will want to do something about expressing your thankfulness ....and the only way to repay me back is by spreading and sharing what i have given you. The day your eyes open up you will lose the desire to talk......you won't feel like talking....the whole ridiculousness of the situation will detest you from speaking .....but don't stop.Start sharing what you have got...start speaking about it......though no body will listen to you in the beginning but don't worry...you just start.........and it's not going to be easy to express which cannot be put in words,but there is no other way to repay me back.
I spoke for you all these years , gave my life for what you have understood now and it was not easy........so don't let anything stop you , do it for me.".

Those moments "RASO VAI-SAH" WAS BORN............"OSHO RASO VAI-SAH" WAS BORN"................

And i had no idea as to what will happen and how it will happen..........