Relationships, why do they fail?

Well, everything fails in life... everything... it's just a matter of time.

Be it relationships, money, knowledge, health... whatsoever.

And we are in such a deep sleep that we don't see such a simple thing.

Relationships

About relationships please understand that in this world every association/relationship can last only if there is a common goal/agenda. If two people in any kind of relationship don't have any common goals or aspirations...the relationship is doomed… sooner or later...whether it's a business partnership or marriage or formation of a music band or whatsoever...an association needs to have a common agenda to succeed.

In a relationship/association if two people start moving in different directions, what can you expect?

And existence has made everybody different...for how long can you go on having common agenda and goals to keep the association alive.

People are different, their moods are always changing, their thoughts, their feelings, their bodies, the experiences of life and the tastes and so many other things are constantly in flux/changing... it's almost impossible to have same set of aspirations/goals and expectations from life all the time, it gets exhausting and boring.

And that is why people in relationships look so tired and bored after some time.

And then, either people stick together and keep suffering or the relationship breaks...both ways it fails.

Secondly,

The worst thing about any relationship is that it binds you, it compartmentalizes you, cages you, it becomes like a job, a compulsion, it's like an agreement...a bondage and you have to live, behave and adhere according to that agreement.

For example ... marriage, everybody gets suffocated by it and one has to adjust and live according to other person’s fears, whims and fancies whether you like it or not... that's how it happens. And it is frustrating for people... for everyone involved.

In any kind of relationship or association ...if you want to do something or explore something and your partner is afraid of it or is not willing or doesn't agree about it...what can you do?

If you don’t listen to yourself you start feeling suffocated and if you listen to yourself then the relationship gets in trouble.

So most of the time you end up living according to your partners’ whims and fancies rather than flowing with your own destiny...and that is precisely why there is so much stink, anger and frustration around in everybody's life.

Thirdly …

Every relation is based on two assumptions "permanence and togetherness"...and both are fundamentally wrong and unnatural.

It is absolutely nonsensical to think that a relationship has to be forever at any cost and that in a relationship people have to do everything together.

It's not possible!

You can enjoy your togetherness but again you will need to have your own space and alignment wherein you would want to move with your own flow and understanding...a distance would be needed from your partner and this creates friction. The idea of permanence or permanent togetherness is very "limiting". It is bounding on an individual and hampers the growth.

What to do...?

Simple…

* Drop the idea of relationship and start relating. It's like saying "drop the idea of making friends, just become friendly and you will have friends everywhere"

* Drop the idea of "permanent relationship and being forever together"...nothing lasts forever, whatever time it lasts for...good enough, after that...don't have guilt.

* Never create obstacles for your partner or associate because of your fears and insecurities...here nobody is your slave, better not try to make any.

* Don't be afraid to live moment to moment...that's how you can blossom and transcend your fears. It will keep your life fresh and this freshness will be there in all   your associations and that's the only way to bring fulfilment in your life and associations.

* Always remember that you are temporary...so how can you have anything permanent in your life. Stop expecting the unnatural and impossible.

All the best!

The Eternal Search...

The question of "the eternal search" is not new and this search is the base of this game called "life".

All that is happening in this existence basically boils down to "this human search".

Take the example of "water" and the whole cycle of its movement.

From it becoming clouds to snow to then melting into rivers, streams and then flowing in the direction of ocean where it gets to rest...again to repeat the cycle...

Take the example of fruits on a tree. How the nutrients are sucked from the earth and the water from the atmosphere plus all the process of photosynthesis that happens and the ripening of fruit and then it gets eaten by somebody or it falls back down again on earth and disintegrates into what it was earlier in the beginning...again to repeat the cycle.

So essentially, here everything from rocks to trees, to water, to the basic atom is moving in a certain circular repetitive way but there is a difference about the so called journey of things, life and human life in particular.

A rock is not essentially searching for anything. Not every form of life is essentially involved in any kind of search, for e.g. a tree or a mouse or a buffalo or a sparrow is not searching for anything. They are just moving in a pattern designed and created by existence. But humans have a search different from everybody/everything else.

And this search is because of "mind"...only humans have mind and that is why only humans have been able to progress or change over the course of time.

A stone remained a stone, a dog never made any discoveries or inventions, a plant has never created anything...so on and so forth. But humans have evolved, discovered, invented and searched... so to speak (though it is also an illusion).

Now, this search has basically 3 levels.

1. Needs

2. Desires

3. The beyond...

You have to see where you are stuck in these 3 levels...but eventually you will have to cross the 3rd level (the beyond) so to speak and that's when you will feel settled and secured and the one who is anxious, searching and worried would disappear.

A body has needs and it searches for its needs to be fulfilled. When the needs are met and there is surplus overflowing, it takes the form of desires and when somebody gets tired of chasing desires and realizes the futility of it...the search of beyond begins. This is again all designed by the existence in the so-called "game/leela of life". So it's like you climb to Everest and then what?... you have to come down and when you come down again you start climbing some different Everest...this is what everybody is doing...creating new temporary goals to chase.

After your search gets over, there remains no goal of any kind...what remains is sheer flow of life and the bliss,  

So now the basic question "Can anybody tell you as to what you are searching for?" 

Well, in words nobody can tell you what you are looking for, it is not possible. I cannot tell you in words as to what exactly you are looking for (though I know what it is) because it cannot be said and since you don't know it, no matter what I will try to say "you won't be able to understand".

Yes, I can tell you the way to it, to the destination or goal but I cannot walk for you. You have to cover this journey yourself... I finished my journey and everybody has to finish their own, there is no other way out. I can tell the way, the traps, how to identify, where to stop, how to face the fears on the way...etc...and finally, how to know that you have found, reached or merged or disappeared or realised. 

Another thing that I can tell you is that "your search" will end only if you are able to find the hidden dimension of your own being, if you are able to go inside and to the core of your being. The search, the satisfaction, the realization will come only from your own self first, and that is why if you go on searching and achieving in the outer world, it's not going to help... it will not liberate, that is for sure. You can get comfort, power, resources or things, name, fame, family, relationships, entertainment etc., but it's just going to be temporary, not long-lasting and not satiating.

The temporary nature of things cannot provide you permanent relief or satisfaction, it is not possible...and you just keep on moving in hope or forgetfulness.

And I am in no way trying to stop you from living your life or chasing your goals and desires. I am simply telling you that down the line if and when you begin to feel tired and frustrated, please remember that I had told you very clearly that it's going to be so. This is the nature of things, the rule of the game.

First rule of the game of life is that here things are temporary and you cannot find permanent solitude from temporary things...so this answers the questions about how to know as to what you want will be fulfilling or not.

Second rule is that chasing things in the outer world will lead to futility and frustration, fear and greed and nothing else. So don't be surprised if you find yourself thinking, thinking and thinking all the time. It simply shows that you have fallen prey to the illusions of life. Thinking is all about confusion, fears, greed and no clarity...otherwise what is there to think about?. Thinking is just about trying to manage things, trying to sort out something or the other all the time...

Third rule is that "the eternal search starts and ends within". And the funny thing is that if your search gets over within, then and then only for the first time you will be able to enjoy the so-called outer world. Then and then only will you be able to enjoy the temporary things and all that is there in the existence that is available. So if you don't reach your core and then transcend it too, it's not going to work.

Now what you want to do with your life is up to you. Either you can experience all this frustration and trivia of life yourself, in wasting the time and energy, in chasing and accumulating the things, and then reaching the failure, the failure of being totally successful or the failure of not being successful in this world...both ways it's going to fail, and then to finally die and take birth again to repeat the whole cycle...or else, make this search a priority and start to go within...choice is yours.

And do remember the saying "In the end, the pawn and the king go back to the same box...))). All your achievements and failures become zero.

But you still have a right to spend your life creating your own big little empires...it is perfectly OK to do so and regret later.

I just go on writing and replying to people all over with a little hope that along with all the great things that you are doing in your life, somehow you are able to add a bit of silence, a bit of meditation, a bit of inner travel...don't drop or run from what you are convinced about, just add the dimension of silence if possible. Work for your needs but if possible add a bit of silence, chase desires but add a bit of meditation.

So in a nutshell:

1. Nobody can tell you in words what you are looking for but you can be guided to that point by somebody who has already reached.

2. Your search in the outer world, that includes money, wine, drugs, career, sex, relationships and achievements...etc. will never be able to satiate.

3. Once you are able to find what is inside you then and then only you will be able to rest and enjoy life...)))

Finally, please remember that whatever you find in the end, in the source, the soul or whatsoever...there is a step still needed...please transcend that as well...)))

And one more thing about your question "about what you are searching for".

In simple words, to begin with...you are searching for someone who can answer your questions, who can help in sorting out the complexities of life, of relationships, of all that is continuously running in the head in all directions...somebody who can just answer what you ask. Unless a person can answer or guide you about the daily trivia, situations of life...he will not be able to help you in going deeper or higher towards the ultimate dimension of life.

And it is very liberating, just to know that you know a person who knows...it is a biiiiiig relief in itself.

All the best

THE REAL PROBLEM

You asked "what's the real problem" and that too in simplistic terms.
Without getting into  so called spiritual rhetoric of "finding yourself" or "who am i" or "finding god "  or "gyan" "dhyan" etc etc...let me tell u the problem in the most simplistic way possible.

There is one and only one problem and that is "u don't know how to live with urself"...that's it.

You just don't know how to live with urself , what to do with urself , how to be with urself...
And since u don't know how to live with urself u are searching for "the other" and that other keeps u busy, partly entertained and most of the time anxious and on the edge.

 What is this "OTHER" I am talking about.....anything and anybody other than you yourself comes in this bracket...be it friends, work , relationships, money, sports , entertainment...anything other than you.

Since you don't know how to live with urself, u don't know how to live with others.........
And that is precisely why after sometime u begin to find problems, mistakes and shortcomings with even ur best friends...ur lovers...ur spouse...even ur guide...u just don't spare anybody and nobody spares you.
 
And that is why there is so much fight going on within everybody...
You just don't find somebody complete tor fit into ur definitions, imaginations, expectations  and u feel let down in a way...sometimes by others and sometimes by ur own understanding.

You will be surprised to know that all the problems that u find with others germinates from inside u...u just don't know how to deal with ur hollowness...hardly anybody does...u just don't know how to face it...that deep vacuum that u feel when u r just with urself...(if u think i am wrong then just try sitting quietly with urself and u will understand what i am saying)

And this again becomes a vicious circle in life...u don't know how to be with urself and bcos of that u run away from urself all the time and it creates imbalance.  The energy is just flowing out all the time and it is very exhausting. 

Moreover just moving out all the time a very complex world gets created....too much remains to be sorted out....people are always talking about "responsibilities" as the reason that they are slogging so much...no, they don't understand that they have woven a very complex way of living unknowingly and now they are trapped and thus fearful deep down all the time. And nothing satisfies bcos of this constant instability inside.

You can observe this in ur life....u r with somebody but after sometime....an hour  or 2 or a few...may be a day or few days...u will begin to get get bored of the other person...tired...gradually u would begin to see the negative points in the other...slowly judgement creeps in...slowly u want to have a break...forget about people, u even get tired of ur favorite activities be it gymming or running or music or whatever. You just want to run away from it.

And then when u are away and alone u can't handle being with urself....
u again start to run away from urself and start looking for something new....new relationship...new entertainment....new friends....new activity...almost because of a compulsion...and then again u face the same situation...same irritation trickles in and again u want to escape...
that's why there is hardly any depth in relationships...they are topical...more like "entertainment"...and i am talking of all kinds of relationships...

That is why ppl start learning something but leave in the middle....not able to complete or learn anything to the level of mastery...they get bored...bored bcos of imbalance and the same reason that i mentioned.

You don't know how to stay with urself "just like that"...without keeping busy...without getting lost in doing something ..."just being"...

You run towards others bcos u want to escape urself ...u just cant bear ur own company and then u when u r with others, after some time u want to run away from them bcos u cant bear others for long as well...

And this is how u keep swinging all ur life...finding fault with urself and finding fault with others.
Not reaching anywhere like a rocking chair.....too much motion but no real movement...

IN THE MOST SIMPLISTIC TERMS "U DONT KNOW HOW TO BE WITH URSELF AND WHAT TO DO WITH UR LIFE ENERGY WITHOUT THE INVOLVEMENT OF THE OTHER".

Now when i am saying all this, pls don't infer that i am against entertainment or against newness or against new relationships or exploring new avenues...
or that i am suggesting somebody to become an island by oneself...nope.....

What i am saying is that no matter what u do ,everything becomes boring, stale, irritating, stagnant, drab, tiring n bla bla bcos the problem lies in the very source and that is u urself...

If u sort this then everything  will become a blessing....every relationship...every activity...every involvement....every contradiction and whatever...
if u don't sort this out then u will just end up using the other as entertainment and entertainment doesn't last long.

"HOW TO BE WITH URSELF"...PLEASE SORT THIS OUT...
AND NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU...  

Have you realized as to  why the film stars or the people in sports or entertainment gets paid so high and so much in demand...it's not that they are doing something herculean or exceptional or are always creative....
"its simply bcos, they keep u entertained for a while...the are feeding u with imagination...they help u in escaping ur inner vacuum for a while...they lead u into forgetfulness for a while."
and these entertainers are suffering from the same syndromes as a normal mortal is...in fact at times much worse.

Always remember that if u need a lot of entertainment in life...or u are always busy doing this or that...if u r always busy in chasing this or that..."u r escaping urself"...
And if u r not able to bear urself ...ur own company ...ur own source...ur own being....how do u expect the others to bear with u.

And more u are involved with others out of boredom or escapism the more u will end in comparisons...the more u will be involved in rat race....the more u will be doing what others are doing without even realizing that may be u r not meant for that.

And gradually u will end up living others' life...and others too are sailing in the same boat...and so nobody in this world is happy...they are relatively happy and with times the degree of  this relativity is also changing.

I often meet people who are candid in telling me that they are so irritated with everything.........
and at times they realize that "this is not good"...but they don't know whats the problem.

So your problem simply is ur own companionship...which u don't relish.

IF U CANT BE A BLESSING TO URSELF NOTHING CAN BE A BLESSING FOR U FOR LONG..
AND   IF U CANT BE A BOON TO URSELF THEN U CANNOT BE A BOON FOR SOMEBODY FOR LONG....

Now what to do...
Very simple...very very simple.

Just start being with urself...
In quietness for some time during a day...
Just like that...
Doing nothing...not wanting to go here there or call somebody...or to indulge in some action....
No...just be...be with urself...with no agenda...all quiet.

You will be surprised as to how slowly slowly u will begin to experience a flow of gentle bliss all around...u will feel some divinity around u in the silence...some goodness and relaxation for no reason...some easiness and calm and serenity all around...its just magical.

Do it and do it as early as possible...thinking wont help...talking wont cook the rice.
Act now...act when u are young and have enough energy to face ur source.
Plant the right sapling now...and don't idle away the time in trivia...for the right planting at the right time yields the right harvest...or else u will just reap regret.

Start, start for nobody is going to do it for u...start, for... the only way to start is to start .

I AM TELLING YOU THE EXACT PROBLEM AND I AM ASSURING U THAT NOTHING ELSE IS GOING TO WORK...I KNOW IT , FOR I HAVE BEEN THROUGH  ALL THIS FIRSTHAND.

Please understand one thing...
Don't start to visualize things sitting alone, don't try to give energy to ur thoughts at all.
I remember a friend wrote 2 yrs back as to how she thinks about herself and imagines this and that when alone and so on and so forth...please don't do it.

I am talking about being quiet and then gradually being silent for some time during the day...
Words in ur thoughts, in ur mind...no matter how colorful, are grossly misleading...they are actually the cause of all misery...pls don't indulge in thinking when u are alone with urself.

Yes, if there is some action needed, some decision  to be taken for something... then use ur mind and logics...
but about ur question what i am suggesting is a state of " being wordless" and it will come slowly.
Don't delay and don't be disheartened...
Start , start from the scratch and go on scratching...

Be focused about being with urself in quietness with no words and imagination for some part of ur time daily.

All the best

                                                        Prem Kamal 

Thinking, thinking, thinking...n thinking more...

U suffer from thinking and this mind bcos u think that " U CAN THINK"...

My dear, pls  realize something...U cannot think, because if u could then u could stop it as well, isn't it...just try to stop" thinking"...u can't stop it bcos u didnt start it in the first place...

So if u think that u can think...it means u r in deep sleep ....unaware.

Kindly get this very straight "U CANNOT THINK"...and this understanding is the part of self realization, this understanding is where masters have tried to lead u to through meditation...

Am I saying that "there is no thinking"...No,
What  I am saying is that thinking is there and u cannot start it or stop it...
it has nothing to do with u... 

Let me elaborate....
There is a thunderstorm outside and u get an idea "o, it just might rain heavily"...
now  did u think this thought or it happened bcos of the thunderstorm...had there been no noise of it or no thunderstorm u wouldn't have got this thought...isn't it.

Take another situation...
u see a beautiful woman coming or some attractive young man walking down the lane and U say "wow...she is so beautiful or omg, he is so handsome..."...now did u think this  or it happened  on its own bcos of  something  which is not in ur control...had there been no man or woman walking down u wouldn't have got these thoughts ...and this way if u go on "WATCHING", U will be surprised to see how wrong u were and how mislead everybody is about everything...


THINKING IS A CASE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT...THERE IS A CAUSE WHICH IS NOT IN UR HANDS AND  FORMATION OF THOUGHTS IS THE EFFECT WHICH AGAIN IS NOT IN UR CONTROL

Take another situation...
Newton was sitting under the apple tree and the apple fell n he discovered the "law of gravity"....so had that apple not fallen on his head , chances are he wouldn't have discovered that ...so perhaps he discovered the principle of gravity bcos of that apple and perhaps bcos of the energy which pushed the apple down at that perfect moment...

So does Newton deserve the credit for discovering the law of nature...)))...No...it happened bcos of some higher energy which pushed down the apple and chose newton to be the vehicle  for discovering "the law of gravity"...isn't it ...)))...

All the  situations are thrown by the existence and they keep on coming all the time as long as u r  alive and every situation generates thoughts on its own  through memory or past experiences.

 THERE CAN BE THOUSAND AND ONE REASONS WHY A PARTICULAR THOUGHT HAPPENED BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED BCOS OF UR EFFORT...

SO THE ESSENCE IS THAT "THINKING IS JUST HAPPENING"...
like the heart is pumping the blood
the lungs are pumping the air
the hunger is coming on its own...

like the sleep is coming on its own...
like the liver kidneys working on their own..,
like the sun is giving heat on its own , the trees are growing on their own...

AND WHEN I SAY "ON ITS OWN"  IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT U HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.....


SO WHAT TO DO

"ATTENTION "is the key to it.....the solution.

Please notice a few things,
The body is blessed with senses...there is a physical aspect to every organ and there is a qualitative aspect to it.

LETS SAY EARS....now Ear is the physical  and the capacity to hear is the qualitative aspect of it...
LETS SAY NOSE....now Nose is physical and the capacity to smell is the qualitative dimension of it....
LETS SAY EYES....now Eyes are the physical part and the capacity to see is the non physical part of eyes...

Similarly there is the CONSCIOUSNESS....OR THE "CHETNA"...OR "THE ATMA "...OR  "THE PRESENCE" and "ATTENTION" is the qualitative aspect of it ...and this is where the catch is...

The suffering from mind can be  dropped by this thing called ATTENTION"...
WHATEVER U GIVE ATTENTION TO WILL GROW.

WHEN U GIVE ATTENTION TO UR HEALTH, IT WILL IMPROVE...
WHEN U GIVE ATTENTION TO MAKING MONEY....IT WILL GROW...
.

SO IF U GIVE ATTENTION TO MIND OR TRY TO SORT IT OUT OR TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT OR TRY TO STREAMLINE IT...IT WILL GROW...U R FEEDING IT...
IT WILL BECOME MORE COMPLICATED...
IT WILL BECOME MORE POWERFUL...
IT WILL BECOME MORE MESSY...MORE MUDDLED...MORE ENERGY SUCKING.

DON'T GIVE ATTENTION TO MIND...DON'T FEED IT
DO  WHATEVER IS POSSIBLE  ABOUT A SITUATION AND THEN JUST WITHDRAW ALL THE ATTENTION FROM IT...

DON'T TRY TO SOLVE IT...

DON'T TRY TO CONTROL UR THOUGHTS...NEVER EVER DO THAT...
ITS NOT IN UR HANDS...
WHAT'S IN UR CONTROL IS WHETHER U PAY ATTENTION TO IT OR NOT...
THIS IS CALLED "DROPPING OF MIND"...JUST DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH IT...
DON'T TRY TO SOLVE SOMETHING BEYOND A POINT...
JUST DROP IT...JUST SURRENDER....IN OTHER WORDS "LET GO"...

THIS IS THE ONLY AND ONLY AND ONLY SOLUTION...
BUT AGAIN THERE IS A PROBLEM...UNLESS U FIND SOMEBODY WHO HAS DROPPED THE MIND....WHO HAS TRANSCENDED IT....WHO HAS GONE BEYOND IT...U WILL FAIL...

AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE  DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MASTER AND A CAMP LEADER...BETWEEN A PARROT AND AN AUTHENTIC ONE...BETWEEN A GURU AND A SO CALLED PANDIT...

A CAMP LEADER OR A PANDIT IS "INFORMED"...
A MASTER IS "TRANSFORMED"...
U DON'T NEED INFORMATION, U NEED TRANSFORMATION...
U CAN READ ABOUT DROPPING MIND BUT IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW HOW TO DROP THE MIND....
HOW TO WITHDRAW THE ATTENTION FROM MIND...
HOW TO COME BACK FROM MIND AND THEN STAY IN THIS NEW SPACE OF "NO MIND"...


WITHOUT THIS "ONE CAN NEVER EVER LIVE PEACEFULLY...NOT AT ALL"...
thinking will just drive u crazy...slowly slowly one is bound to fall prey to it...
the anxiety and the boredom or the unnecessary draining of life energy will leave u a pauper...
just a matter of time...ur millions, ur knowledge, ur relations , ur achievements...nothing will work...the fears and the greed...the complexities of mind...all are bound to have a cascading effect...

People suffer so much bcos of this thinking ...to the extent that they end up killing themselves...
u recently had the case of Robbin Williams...and another case of this famous actor from "mission impossible " series .

And there are so many cases from the past and perhaps everyday life where ppl just  "CHOOSE TO KILL THEMSELVES RATHER THAN SUFFER FROM THIS THINKING THINKING THINKING SYNDROME"...Where one feels enslaved, overpowered and tortured by this continuous repetition of thoughts...unending and directionless...with no end in sight...continuously draining life energy from a being for no good.


LEARN THE ART OF DROPPING THE MIND WITH AWARENESS...
NOT DROPPING THE MIND WITH ADDICTION...BUT WITH AWARENESS...

AND AGAIN COMES THE  "MEDITATION"...
THE KEY TO END OF ALL SUFFERING...
THE KEY TO "UNENDING BLISS...A STATE OF NO MIND".

BE CLEAR THAT MIND IS CRAP...IT WILL STINK U TO MADNESS...
THIS CANNOT BE SORTED OUT AND SINCE U R TRYING HARD TO SORT IT OUT AND CONTROL IT, U R LOSING SLEEP...

MEDITATE AND U WILL BE HEALTHY...
U WILL BE SANE OR ELSE U ALREADY CAN FEEL WHERE THIS MIND IS LEADING U TO...

ALL THE BEST

                                                     Prem Kamal